Are you tired of lonely nights on the couch? Are your current pets just not “doing it” for you? Do you have too many glasses on your kitchen counter or too few holes in your clothing? Is your furniture in a little TOO good condition? Does your home not smell enough like ammonia and tuna? Are you the kind of person who just doesn’t feel ALIVE without the omnipresent terror of a small, fragile animal constantly darting in and out between your legs as you walk? Don’t you wish there was a better way?
Well now there is!
Step right up and behold the animal that is truly the dog of cats! With the Muggins 5000™, you’ll feel like you’ve died nine times and gone to Cat Heaven™. Glued to your front door while you’re at work, eyes transfixed in a nine-hour staring contest with the inanimate object that just won’t quit, this uber-affectionate rascal absolutely cannot wait to get all up in your business. Hope you like being watched when you’re on the toilet, because six feet away is just too far for this budding interspecies pervert. Kind, gentle, and highly social, this premium hunk of sentient cat meat is adept at interfacing with his fellow felines and human lifeforms of all ages. Dogs? I don’t know, I’m not running a zoo over here. If you like his luxurious black coat, you’ll LOVE taking bits and pieces of it wherever you go. And that thing you heard about black cats being unlucky? Balderdash. His previous owners have won the lottery so many times, we don’t have enough space in this ad for the actual number.
Still not convinced? Then how about some real, totally-not-made-up testimonials from actual real-life celebrities:
“My anaconda don’t want none unless you got Muggins, hun.” –Sir Mix-a-Lot
“Muggins is grrrrrrrrrrrrreat!” –Tony the Tiger
“I thought it was all over for me until Muggins suggested I try on the gloves.” –OJ Simpson
And if all that weren’t enough, for a limited time only, we’re throwing in all the procedures he’s already had done… mainly because we can’t undo them. That’s right — for 37 easy payments of $0.00 (plus a nominal WHARF adoption fee), you’ll get the cat, the neutering, the vaccinations, the deworming, the tattooing, AND the smug sense of self-satisfaction that comes with adopting an animal. Wow, what a steal! But Muggins is a limited edition cat — only ONE unit ever made — so don’t delay, adopt today!
Age: 8 years
Intake: June 2018
Adoption Fee: $180